Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Unemployment, Day 1: Party!

So, that happened.

When I received the e-mail saying that I was fired and that the company was closing down forever (seriously), all I could do was laugh. And laugh I did. A lot. For the rest of the night. Jennie described my mood as 'elated'.

I'll print the entirety of the e-mail later. It's pretty amazing, and actually more or less a form letter. I think you'll all enjoy it.

More news to come, of course. I've got a lot of free time on my hands now.

Monday, December 29, 2008


Before I begin, I'd like to point out that all of this is conjecture. This is actually a theory that I came up with months ago, and Jennie can attest to that because I shared it with her and I thought I was the smartest person ever but that it wouldn't happen for a long time, because clearly PUSHING DAISIES was destined to be on the air for years and years. Sigh. Anyway, after being a few episodes on the series, we finally got caught up, and I'm convinced now more than ever that my theory will come to pass. So here it goes...

- Ned's father will return and reveal that he, too, can bring things back to life by touching them
- It will be revealed that Ned died once when he was very young (perhaps at birth) and that his father brought him back to life. He later abandoned Ned because he didn't want to risk touching him and killing him again
- Ned will touch Chuck again, killing her. Ned's father will then touch her, bringing her back to life. Ned's father will then die, sacrificing himself so that Ned and Chuck can be together
- Ned and Chuck will kiss; no one will die

Also, I'm sure there'll be some stuff with Emerson and Olive in there, too, but I'm more concerned with Ned and Chuck. Emerson needs to find his daughter, and Olive needs to get over Ned (perhaps with Emerson? What an odd couple that would be). But the main conflict of the series of course stems from the fact that Ned and Chuck cannot touch, and my little theory would take care of that.

So how do I support my theory? Before the most recent episodes, I couldn't. It was pure conjecture. But after the last episode that has aired, I think I'm on pretty solid ground. The facts are these:
- Ned's father has returned. He appeared at the end of the most recent episode, and appears to be watching over Ned, even going so far as to save his and Olive's lives
- Ned's father appeared to be covered from head to toe, save for his face (naturally). I have thought from the beginning of the show that Ned and Chuck could hold hands and/or not have to worry about bumping into each other constantly if Ned would just wear long-sleeved shirts, pants, and, above all, GLOVES. We saw in a recent episode Chuck's father (whom I will come back to) grab Ned by the sleeved arm with his bare hand, and he did not die, presumably because of Ned's sleeve. So why is the fact that Ned's father wore gloves important? Because if he hadn't been wearing gloves, and he had grabbed Ned to stop him from falling, Ned would have died. According to the theory, anyway.
- Ned's father abandoned Ned at the Longville School for Boys when he was very young, and we have never seen him, not even during scenes in which Ned's mother was alive. The debate between Ned and Chuck's father is that the only way to protect Chuck is to get her as far away from Ned as possible so that the chance of their accidentally touching becomes nonexistent. I think that looking at Ned's father's abandonment of him through the lens of a father trying to protect his child provides a perfect reason for Ned's father to have abandoned him in the first place: he wanted to minimize the chance of his ever accidentally touching Ned and killing him again.

Until the remaining episodes of the series air, we won't know for sure what happens. Supposedly there's going to be some sort of closure, but I doubt it will be the amount of closure that devoted fans (read: me) will want. In the mean time, I'm comfortable with my theory. Because yes, these are the things that I think about all of the time.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas is's practically here!

And I am freaking the f@#$ out. In a good way. I'm extremely excited for Christmas this year, and I honestly have no idea why. There's really nothing to make this Christmas different from any other Christmas (except for this - isn't she cute?). And yet, for some reason, I feel as if I am more excited for this Christmas than I have ever been. Maybe it's because I bought presents for a lot of people and I think they'll all really like what I got them. Maybe it's because I don't have any idea what I'm getting for Christmas. Or maybe it's because I'm going to have FIVE DAYS OFF IN A ROW starting tomorrow.

Yeah, I definitely think it's the days off.

This is a short entry, but I just wanted to share my Christmas glee with both of you that read this. Have a merry Christmas. Or, if you don't celebrate Christmas, have a happy Thursday. If anyone needs me, I'll be stuffing myself silly with Christmas cookies (including the triumphant return of my mom's extra-delicious mint chocolate chip cookies!) and egg nog, playing tuba at two (count 'em, two) churches on Christmas eve, and enjoying five days off from work in a row. Did I mention that I have five days off from work in a row? I have five days off from work in a row. It's going to be glorious.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 18, 2008


From IMDB:

Murphy And Labeouf For Batman

17 December 2008 5:29 PM, PST

Eddie Murphy and Shia Labeouf have been lined up to star in the next Batman movie, according to reports.

The Beverly Hills Cop actor will star as The Riddler and Labeouf will play the caped crusader's sidekick Robin in the next instalment, tentatively titled Gotham.

Actress Rachel Weisz is reportedly in the frame to play Catwoman. Christian Bale will return as Bruce Wayne and Michael Caine will again play his assistant Alfred, according to British newspaper The Sun.

The movie, which is slated for a 2010 release, will be directed by Christopher Nolan, who made The Dark Knight such a huge success when it was released this year.

A source says, "Chris wasn't sure if he wanted to do another movie but as soon as he decided to, he got the wheels in motion. Eddie's a fantastic addition. Everyone's excited to see what he does as the Riddler."

I love it when the media reports on rumors that are so ridiculous that they couldn't possibly be true!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Who throws a shoe? Honestly?

This guy does.

The look on Mr. Bush's face reminds me of something he once said...

Oh, George. What will we do when you're gone?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Brief thoughts on a TV show that I do not watch.

I don't watch Grey's Anatomy. I have never watched Grey's Anatomy. I will probably never watch Grey's Anatomy, unless something insane happens like Jason Schwartzman joins the cast or Aaron Sorkin starts writing for it or something. But let's face it, that is never going to happen, so I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that I will never watch Grey's Anatomy.

Jennie, however, watches it, and she tells me all sorts of interesting things about it. Like how one of the main characters is currently sleeping with the ghost of her dead lover. And how a group of interns decided that it would be fun to perform surgery on each other. And there are other ridiculous things (didn't someone have to have a poop transplant?) that I either can't remember or have just erased from my memory because they were taking up valuable space that I could otherwise devote to comic book or movie trivia.

All of this said, I find it interesting that so many people who are on the show don't like it. Katherine Heigl, for one, doesn't seem to enjoy it. Or at least, she didn't six months ago. And now T.R. Knight is quitting because apparently he doesn't like it, either. It's one thing for someone to say, 'I feel like it's time to move on' or 'I've had a good run on this show but I want to explore other opportunities,' but when two of the principal actors on the show, completely separately from each other, to say, 'Nah, y'know, I don't like what the writers are doing for me,' I think that really says something about the show. Or at least about the writers on the show. Also, if the people on the show don't like it, then that pretty much affirms that I will never watch Grey's Anatomy.

Friday, December 5, 2008

All About the Benjamins

So I have been having a problem with money lately, in so much as I don't have much of it. A few days ago I decided to do something about this, so I tallied up what my expenses are for necessities, and it came out to be several hundred dollars less than what I make every four weeks. So where does my money go? And what am I buying? The latter question is much easier to answer than the former: I buy toys. Lots and lots of toys. And comics, too, but mostly toys. Justice League Unlimited toys, DC Universe Classics toys, old DC Direct toys, and really any other toys that I can get my hands on that look cool. I like toys. They're pretty awesome.

That still doesn't explain where the money goes, though. As with any good mystery, it's best to look at the possible suspects...

1. Target - I can't get enough of Target. I go there when I need stuff and I go there when I want stuff and I go there when I'm bored and decide I just want to get out of the house. Jennie believes that they pump chemicals into the building that make you spend more money than you ever intended to. I think she might be right. Part of the reason I go to Target so often is because of the aforementioned toys, specifically the Justice League Unlimited series. Those figures are Target exclusive, and they usually go pretty fast when they come in, though the distribution has gotten better and more product has been on the shelves, so I'm less obsessed with going to Target as a result. There was a while where I was going to at least one Target every day. Yipes. Thankfully, those days have passed.

2. The internet - Did you know that you can shop online?! It's amazing! And you don't even have to leave your chair! All you need to do is memorize your credit card number and you don't even need to get your wallet out to do it! The fact that I have my credit card number memorized is both a cause and a symptom of the problem. If I used it less I would not have it memorized, and if I didn't have it memorized I would use it less. Vicious cycle, that. There are several good toy websites from which I can order DC Universe Classics toys, which are increasingly difficult to find in stores. And then there's eBay, for anything else I might want in the world.

3. The Man - The Man takes my money. Simple as that. Give it back, The Man!

So I suppose there aren't that many suspects. What it all really boils down to is that I am horrible about spending my money. But that's all changing, dear reader. Last night I found myself at Big Lots. I was looking for toys (shocking!), and I remembered that I needed maple syrup. I'm not sure why looking for toys reminded me that I needed maple syrup, but it did, so I went with it. I knew that Big Lots carried some grocery products, so I decided to take a look. I walked away from that store with three boxes of name-brand cereal, a bottle of maple syrup, a big box of Pop-Tarts, and a box of granola bars. And for all of this, I spent a mere $12.30. IT WAS AMAZING. They don't carry stuff like bread or milk or orange juice, but canned soups? Cereals? Snack foods? Peanut butter? Jelly? Their cup runneth over, and it's all so cheap! I have thus resolved to do more of my shopping at Big Lots. It really seems to have sparked a money-saving revolution in my brain. We'll just see how long it lasts.

If nothing else, buying cheaper groceries at Big Lots will give me more money with which to buy toys. Sweet, sweet toys.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Riddle me this!

Over at The Collective, the ladies have been filling out a little questionnaire all week, and it's been pretty entertaining. With that in mind, I've ripped off the questionnaire and will now fill it out myself. Just 'cause it seems like it'll be fun. Here we go!

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Osama bin Laden. Seriously. 9/11? Not cool, man.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?


3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Bill O'Reilly.

4. What is your favorite cheese?

Cheddar. Or nacho, with nachos. Yum.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?

Bootlegger Club from Jimmy John's.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Scarlett Johansson. If it were TV celebrity, this would be a much more difficult decision.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?

Jenny Lewis.

8. Now that you've slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?

Comic books!

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

New Zealand.

10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?

Barq's Red Cream Soda.

11. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?

1938. I would buy a copy of Action Comics #1. And then I would leave.

12. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

There will be no class divisions. That's right. My beautiful island will be a socialist paradise.

13. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?

A new season of Sports Night.

14. What is your favorite curse word?


15. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, what do you do?

Call a museum and offer to sell them the mummies for a tidy profit. Or set them on fire. Which would surely lead to...

16. Your house is on fire! What do you do?

Grab my sketch book and run like a little girl. And then cry because a) my comic books and toys were in there, and b) I still don't have renter's insurance because I am an idiot.

17. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Scarlett Johannson and Jenny Lewis at the same time.

18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?


A question about the question, though: if I ate radioactive vegetables, wouldn't I end up with vegetable powers? I mean, Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider and he got spider powers, so it stands to reason, right? Maybe not.

19. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

How about the half-hour that I spent doing Scarlett Johannson and Jenny Lewis at the same time?

20. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

9/11. I mean it, Osama. Not. Cool.

21. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?

New Zealand. It's like Lord of the Rings!

22. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?

The Trolley Stop. I really like the patio out back.

23. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we'll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like "Check it out I can FLY!?"

Jennie's house. I would land on her balcony like Superman. And then we would fly around. Like Superman and Lois Lane. I know, it's adorable, isn't it?

24. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Heath Ledger. And no, I don't think it's too soon at all.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Erection Coverage

I've been referring to the election coverage as the erection coverage, partly because I am secretly prejudiced against people of oriental descent, with their sranty eyes and their aptitude for math, but mostly because of Campbell Brown, and the stirring in my trousers that took place while I watched her on CNN last night. I know Wolf Blitzer was the lead anchor on the coverage, but it was Campbell Brown's appearances that most aroused my interest in the program. There was much discussion last night about with which news figures (Brian Williams, Brit Hume, etc.) one would want to engage in sexual intercourse. I would just like to say once and for all: Campbell Brown really rings my bell. I would do everything to her. I would wreck that chick.

Having said that, I'd like to offer some brief commentary, or what I'd like to call...


- Hey, everybody! Barack Obama won! Yay! I woke up this morning and the sun was shining. Birds were singing, and the air smelled like candy. I got in my car and discovered that I didn't need to fill up my gas tank anymore, because my car now runs on joy and laughter. Okay, so none of those things actually happened (except that the sun was shining, but there were no birds, and the air smelled more like corn than candy). Barack Obama is the President-Elect of the United States of America, but that doesn't instantly solve everyone's problems as it seems a lot of people think it does. This is certainly an historic occasion, but there is a lot of hard work ahead. The economy still sucks. We're still in two wars. And George is still in office for another two and a half months. Who know? By the time January 20, 2009 rolls around, it might not roll around because we'll all be dead after a nuclear war with Russia. A lot can happen between now and then.

- Thoughts on vocabulary: A word that I really enjoy, that I didn't expect to hear yesterday (or today, or at all), was landslide. I just think that's a great word. I think another great and applicable word is groundswell. On NPR this morning they described the people at Grant Park in Chicago last night as delirious. I find that amusing.

- Something that has troubled me over the past several weeks, as Barack Obama's lead grew and his victory in the election looked to be inevitable, is this: there is still a decent-sized group of people out there who believe that Barack Obama is a deceiver. That he is an Arab. That he is a Muslim. That he is the Anti-Christ. Just because he won the election doesn't mean that those people have automatically changed their minds about him. The continued existence of these people (who, in my opinion are, in a word, lunatics) frightens and worries me.

- It's true, I got the majority of my news last night from CNN. However, Wolf Blitzer is not the person that told me that Barack Obama had clinched the election. No, that task fell to my favorite cable newsman: Jon Stewart. That was extremely satisfying. Also satisfying - and hysterical - was Stephen Colbert's reaction: he immediately donned blinders and earmuffs and sat in silence for the rest of the show.

- Speaking of Stephen Colbert, I think his reaction to the results mirrors my own. I've been fairly restrained in my enjoyment of the election outcome, and I wasn't sure why until I read this quote from Colbert (as himself, not the character): "I'm a little stunned. I don't know what to do with my happiness. I'm still afraid someone's going to take it away." That, I think, is exactly how I feel. I am as hopeful as I can be, but I will be infinitely more hopeful on and after January 20, 2009, when it's official and we can drop the '-elect' from President Obama's title.

- Finally, I am SO HAPPY that the political season is over. Politics are not going to go away any time soon, nor do I want them to, but at least the ads are done. If I never hear the names Ayers or Reverend Wright again, I will be a happy man. Also, I'm happy for Tina Fey: she'll never have to be Sarah Palin again, and she won't have to leave Earth as she said she would if Palin was elected.

I'm glad this erection is over. Of course, no sooner does one end that another one pops up. Still, I look forward to being politically flaccid for a little while. At least until the end of this week.

Monday, November 3, 2008

I want you all to watch PUSHING DAISIES.

I am taking a moment away from NaPoMoBloPoMo to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot lately. As citizens, I feel that we have a responsibility to support the things that we believe in, and there are a few things that I want to support right now.

1) Barack Obama. I don't know about you, but I like money, and while you may think that would make me a Republican, it does not, because while I like money, I don't make enough to become a Republican, and that means that I will qualify for a tax cut under President Obama.

2) Cinnamon toast. I just really like cinnamon toast.

3) Pushing Daisies (Wednesday nights at 8 PM on ABC). I was afraid this would happen. A bunch of great shows premiered last year, and among them was a little gem called Pushing Daisies. The show debuted to excellent ratings and critical acclaim, and all was right with the world (good shows actually being watched!). And then the Writer's Strike happened, and Pushing Daisies disappeared from TV for a long, long time. Like, ten months. And now it's back, and its ratings are suffering, even against the Barack Obama infomercial from last week (which admittedly, I watched - he's #1 on the list, and this show is #3, but I definitely taped Pushing Daisies, and I ate cinnamon toast while I watched it). It makes me sad to see such a quality, fun show doing poorly. I've found myself at a loss for how to sell people on this show, mostly because it's obvious to me what's wonderful about it and it's hard to describe other than to say that it's fun and it's quirky, but I'll do my best here.

Did you ever see the Tim Burton movie Big Fish? If not, you should go rent it, because it's fantastic. It's colorful and imaginative and it's like a fairy tale, and like all Tim Burton films it has a certain dark wit to it that is irresistable. Think also of Amelie, though less for the wit and more for the set design, classic and vibrant, and it's obvious that every shot is thought-out but it never distracts from the story and the confluence of the two things is just, in a word, delightful. All of this applies to Pushing Daisies. Each episode is like a mix between a Tim Burton film and Amelie. Throw in wonderfully-written dialogue and that about covers it.

If you don't believe me, or just want to read more about the show, read this article: Why Pushing Daisies is the Best TV Show You're Not Watching. And if you want to see it for yourself, you can watch it for free online here. Go ahead. Watch an episode. I'll wait.

Good stuff, right? Tell your friends. And watch it on Wednesday nights at 8 PM on ABC. Only not this week, because the Dancing with the Stars results show is on. Or next week, because the Country Music Awards are on. But hey, that gives you a good two weeks to get caught up on the episodes you haven't seen yet! And don't worry. I'll remind you in two weeks that it's going to be on. Wednesday nights at 8 PM on ABC.

Please don't let my favorite show die.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


This month is National Blog Post Month. Apparently you sign up for this on some website (I think it's this one) and then if you post on your blog every day for a full month you win a million gajillion dollars or some such nonsense. The abbreviation for National Blog Post Month is NaBloPoMo. Unfortunately I had forgotten about it until this morning, which means I will not qualify for the lots of money. Still, I thought I might attempt to take part to the best of my ability. What I would like to do, however, is start my own little contest. I call it National Post-Modern Blog Post Month, or NaPoMoBloPoMo. So here we go.


OMG today was the best day EVER! I signed up for this thing called NaBloPoMo, and if I write a post on my blog every day for a month I win a bunch of money! Its going to be superawesome! Stay tuned for more blog posts!

Even if I win a bunch of money, tho, idk if it will make Billy come bak to me. We had a huge fight last night and he stormed out of my apt in a huff. I thought hed come back a few minutes later, but he didnt. it was terrible and idk what to do. what shuld i do, internet people? Help me! This might be the worst thing ever that happened to me ever!!!!!!!! If billy doesnt come back idk what ill do. i relaly really hopes he comes back.

tonight im going down to the bar with my girlfriends and hopefuly forgetting about billy storming out last nite. ill let you know how it goes. by!

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Wright Brothers? How about The Wrong Brothers!

Ohio can lay claim to many things. A river named after it. A plumber. Several crappy sports franchises. But did you know that Ohio is also the birthplace of several important things? For instance, Superman was created by Cleveland residents Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. Kettering, OH native Nancy Cartwright is the voice of Bart Simpson. And, contrary to what you may have heard, Orville and Wilber Wright developed the technology for flight right here in Dayton.

What's that? You say that North Carolinans disagree? You say that North Carolinans claim that, since the Wright Brothers actually flew at Kitty Hawk and not in Dayton, their state is the rightful birthplace of flight? Bah, I say. BAH! I have mocked people in the past for taking part in the debate of which state holds the title 'The Birthplace of Aviation', but no more! It's time to take a stand. I'm going to channel my inner Colbert in order to settle this once and for all. With a good old fashioned STATE SYMBOLS FACE-OFF.

The Dogwood (NC) v. the Red Carnation (OH)

Have you ever given your sweetheart a Dogwood on Valentine's Day? The point goes to OHIO, for having a state flower that is more likely to get you laid.

"Esse Quam Virderi" (NC) v. "With God All Things Are Possible" (OH)

This is America, North Carolina. Speak. English. Point: OHIO.

Pine tree (NC) v. Buckeye (OH)

Pine trees make me think of Christmas. Christmas makes me think of presents. North Carolina is going to give me presents. Point: NORTH CAROLINA.

gray squirrel (NC) v. white-tailed deer (OH)

This is a tough call. While both animals look good after I have hit them with my car, only the gray squirrel has the balls to run out into traffic for no apparent reason. A deer is always crossing the street or something, and when a car comes, it just stops and looks at it. The squirrel has the sense to run. Point: NORTH CAROLINA.

The Cardinal (NC) v. The Cardinal (OH)

WHAT?! The cardinal is the state bird of both North Carolina and Ohio?! How can two states have the same state bird? That's like two different states saying that they are the birthplace of flight! It's just unheard of. Point: NEITHER.

So it looks like it's a draw. Neither Ohio nor North Carolina can definitively claim that they are the birthplace of aviation. of course, everyone in Ohio knows the real truth. As does everyone in North Carolina. Although, come to think of it, if Orville and Wilbur Wright had never invented flight, the world would be vastly different. For example, the Japanese would not have been able to bomb Pearl Harbor in 1941. Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper wouldn't have died in 1959. And the World Trade Center towers would still be standing today. So well done, Wright Brothers! Because of you, 9/11 happened.

On second thought, North Carolina can have flight. I doubt anyone in Ohio would want to be associated with people who aid terrorists.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The third most famous plumber in the world.

I'm thinking of becoming a plumber. I know, I know. It's a fad. Last week I was thinking about drinking a six-pack every day. It will all be over soon, I hope, and I can get back to my life. For now, though, the political candidates just won't leave me alone.

By now we all know about Joe the plumber. I've been hearing this all day. A friend of mine pointed out the inordinate number of Joes involved in the presidential campaigns this year - Joe Biden, Joe Six-Pack, Joe the plumber, and Joe Mama, to name a few. Well this morning I googled "Joe the plumber". And it turns out there are a lot of plumbers named Joe. And several have websites. So this is a free plug for them. If you need a plumber, call Joe. Joe the plumber.

Just be sure not to call the real Joe the plumber. The one that John McCain mentioned 900 times last night. That guy doesn't even have a license to be a plumber. He just does it all willy-nilly, like nobody cares. Well somebody cares, Joe the plumber. The state of Ohio cares. They've got a website for it and everything. You can even find out how to get licensed by going to that website. It's crazy about this new technology, isn't it? I know, man. I know. Y'know, I lived in Bowling Green for a few years. Bowling Green, which is just a hipshake south of Holland, where you live. Heck, maybe you even came and worked on my toilet once and I didn't know it. And I appreciate that. But I would also appreciate you GETTING YOUR PLUMBER'S LICENSE AND NOT SCREWING UP MY BATHTUB INSTALLATION BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LICENSED AND DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. Could you do that? Thanks.

On a related note, how great would it be if John McCain inadvertently put the place where Joe the plumber works out of business by drawing attention to the fact that they're operating without proper licenses? Nice work, John. Think before you speak.

(By the way, the two plumbers that are more famous than Joe the plumber? Two brothers named Mario and Luigi. Look them up. They're huge.)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I read all of the news.

When you're running for political office, I suppose it's easy to get flustered, especially when you're asked tough questions like what newspapers you read and which supreme court decisions you disagree with.

And I guess one way to react to that would be to assault your interviewer.

As much of a train wreck as it already was, just imagine if Sarah Palin had attacked Katie Couric during their interview.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

An Honest Question

Does anyone honestly give a crap about David Blaine? Did anyone ever?

This isn't a link to a funny article or anything. I just really want to know.

Man Who Farts at Police Charged with Assault

No, really. He passed gas and then waved it at them.

I wonder what would've happened if he had sharted at them by accident.

Clooney could've handled this.

All I'm saying is, I bet his pet pig never held him hostage.

On a side note, is it just me, or was Arnold the smartest character on Green Acres? I'm surprised he never held Ava Gabor and Eddie Albert hostage.

Thanks to Jennie for reminding me last night while we were watching Out of Sight that George Clooney once owned a pig for a pet.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

This makes total sense to me.

You're hanging out in a motel, you're shooting up heroin, and you think you accidentally inject air into your veins.

Of course the logical thing to do is to run to Denny's and try to cut your own arm off.

Also, I'm glad they closed the Denny's to clean up. That much blood on the counter would definitely ruin my enjoyment of a delicious Moons Over My Hammy.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Um, wow.

Everyone knows about William Shatner's career as a musician. His 1968 album The Transformed Man is nigh unlistenable, but his 2004 follow-up, Has Been, which was produced by the inimitable Ben Folds, is an excellent album. And everyone has seen or at least heard about his performance of Elton John's Rocket Man.

But did you know that Leonard Nimoy also had a career as a musician? I didn't, either, until I saw this.

I hope Guillermo Del Toro has seen this. And that he uses the song during the closing credits of The Hobbit.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Man Uses Loose Change to Buy Car


I'm not at all surprised that it happened in Ohio, either.

EDIT: I realized that my modifier was dangling in the original title of this post. The man used loose change to buy a car, he did not buy a car that was filled with loose change. Though that would have been equally strange.

I've always thought Marshall Law was a good idea...

Apparently someone in Arkansas agrees with me.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Movies Galore!

I was going to write a review of The Dark Knight, which is a little art house film that came out this past weekend. I've read dozens of reviews for it already, and in doing so I determined that there was really nothing left to be said. Yes, it's amazing. Yes, Heath Ledger steals the show as The Joker. Yes, it is definitely the best comic book movie ever made. Yes, it is Oscar-worthy and would surely win if the Oscars were tomorrow. I'm hesitant to say that it will 'definitely win awards' because we're only halfway through the year, and a lot can happen between now and January, but as of right now, it is easily the best movie of the year. I could say all of those things, but they've been said to death at this point. If you don't believe me, check out the 95% rating that the film has received at Rotten Tomatoes. So that's all I'm going to say about that. Though I reserve the right to come back to it. And expect a post at some point about what I want to happen in the next film.

So rather than review a movie that has been reviewed and reviewed again to death, I thought I would review the other big release of the past weekend, Mamma Mia!, a film adaptation of the ABBA musical. If you have a chance to see this film in the theatre for free, do yourself a favor.


I would like to begin by saying that I think it's important to separate the film version of Mamma Mia! from its stage show roots. I find nothing wrong with the show itself. The songs are catchy (they're ABBA, after all), the story entertaining and appropriately cheesy and funny. I'm sure that, as a stage production, in the hands of a competent director and trained theater actors, this show would be extremely entertaining. I have several friends who have seen the stage show several times and they love it.

The fault, dear Brutus, lies not within the show, but within the film.

Let's start with the acting, as that is obviously the first thing that you will notice upon watching the film. The acting...leaves something to be desired. The two main characters are played by Meryl Streep and Amanda Seyfried. Meryl Streep is a proven commodity, veteran actress of such excellent films as Death Becomes Her and Adaptation. Amanda Seyfried...isn't. As far as excited teenage girl screaming goes, she's a professional, and she sings wonderfully. Anything else, though, and all you'll get is a variation of a teenage girl scream. If the film had been an opera, it probably would have worked better, because the less she actually spoke the more she sang, the better.

Then there are the male leads, played by Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, and Stellan Skarsgard (whose name I had to look up because a) I haven't seen him in anything else, and b) his character is utterly forgettable, as he really does nothing at all in the film). Both Firth and Brosnan have singing numbers, and while Firth pulls his off decently - he's not great, but he doesn't make me want to die - Brosnan fails stupendously. He ends up being the main love interest for Meryl Streep, and the songs - more than one! - that he sings are painful. PAINFUL. Pierce Brosnan should not sing. Period.

The choreography of the film leaves something to be desired, in that is is nearly non-existent. I imagine the choreographer telling Meryl Streep, "You've seen musicals before, right? Well, you know how people move in those? Just, um, do that. Go!" The result was a lot of people flopping around on their backs, accompanied by random hand movements. There is no actual dancing to be found in the film, save for during the bachelor party scene, in which a large group of scantily-clad young men jump and strut around in swimming gear, including snorkels and flippers. As a result of this scene, I have decided that, at my bachelor party, I will make everyone wear flippers on their feet. And we'll all dance around on a pier. It'll be great.

The film isn't without its redeeming qualities. The "What the Hell?!?" factor is fairly all-encompassing, from the flipper-wearing bachelors to the tying-up of two of Sophie's potential fathers by all of her friends at her bachelorette party. Oh, and then there was the part during the bachelorette party where all of the bachelors swung in on ropes and were wearing scary masks. That was the point at which I more or less threw my hands up into the air and decided that, not only did things not make any sense anymore, but nothing ever would. Once I stopped trying to make sense of things, the movie was actually enjoyable. At least until Pierce Brosnan sang again. Then it stopped being fun.

Seriously, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but the film adaptation of Mamma Mia! ended up being most definitely a not good idea. I would recommend staying home and hitting yourself on the head with a rubber mallet instead. That's at least cheaper. And probably more fun.

Tonight I'm seeing the 25th anniversary re-release of the 1983 classic WarGames, starring Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy. I cannot tell you how excited I am to see this one on a big screen. It'll surely be more enjoyable than the train wreck that was Mamma Mia!.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I'm back!

Hello, cruel world! Joe has returned!

I've been thinking, and the thought that I have come to that I think I am going to think on a regular basis is this: there is absolutely no reason why I should not be writing on this blog on a daily basis. It's been over a year since I posted anything, and that's ridiculous. Google has afforded me this real estate, this small half-acre of the internet, on which to write anything I want, and I am squandering that luxury.

I'm back. Consider yourself served.

More to come.