Thursday, November 6, 2008

Riddle me this!

Over at The Collective, the ladies have been filling out a little questionnaire all week, and it's been pretty entertaining. With that in mind, I've ripped off the questionnaire and will now fill it out myself. Just 'cause it seems like it'll be fun. Here we go!

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Osama bin Laden. Seriously. 9/11? Not cool, man.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?


3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Bill O'Reilly.

4. What is your favorite cheese?

Cheddar. Or nacho, with nachos. Yum.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?

Bootlegger Club from Jimmy John's.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Scarlett Johansson. If it were TV celebrity, this would be a much more difficult decision.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?

Jenny Lewis.

8. Now that you've slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?

Comic books!

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

New Zealand.

10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?

Barq's Red Cream Soda.

11. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?

1938. I would buy a copy of Action Comics #1. And then I would leave.

12. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

There will be no class divisions. That's right. My beautiful island will be a socialist paradise.

13. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?

A new season of Sports Night.

14. What is your favorite curse word?


15. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, what do you do?

Call a museum and offer to sell them the mummies for a tidy profit. Or set them on fire. Which would surely lead to...

16. Your house is on fire! What do you do?

Grab my sketch book and run like a little girl. And then cry because a) my comic books and toys were in there, and b) I still don't have renter's insurance because I am an idiot.

17. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Scarlett Johannson and Jenny Lewis at the same time.

18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?


A question about the question, though: if I ate radioactive vegetables, wouldn't I end up with vegetable powers? I mean, Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider and he got spider powers, so it stands to reason, right? Maybe not.

19. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

How about the half-hour that I spent doing Scarlett Johannson and Jenny Lewis at the same time?

20. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

9/11. I mean it, Osama. Not. Cool.

21. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?

New Zealand. It's like Lord of the Rings!

22. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?

The Trolley Stop. I really like the patio out back.

23. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we'll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like "Check it out I can FLY!?"

Jennie's house. I would land on her balcony like Superman. And then we would fly around. Like Superman and Lois Lane. I know, it's adorable, isn't it?

24. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Heath Ledger. And no, I don't think it's too soon at all.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Erection Coverage

I've been referring to the election coverage as the erection coverage, partly because I am secretly prejudiced against people of oriental descent, with their sranty eyes and their aptitude for math, but mostly because of Campbell Brown, and the stirring in my trousers that took place while I watched her on CNN last night. I know Wolf Blitzer was the lead anchor on the coverage, but it was Campbell Brown's appearances that most aroused my interest in the program. There was much discussion last night about with which news figures (Brian Williams, Brit Hume, etc.) one would want to engage in sexual intercourse. I would just like to say once and for all: Campbell Brown really rings my bell. I would do everything to her. I would wreck that chick.

Having said that, I'd like to offer some brief commentary, or what I'd like to call...


- Hey, everybody! Barack Obama won! Yay! I woke up this morning and the sun was shining. Birds were singing, and the air smelled like candy. I got in my car and discovered that I didn't need to fill up my gas tank anymore, because my car now runs on joy and laughter. Okay, so none of those things actually happened (except that the sun was shining, but there were no birds, and the air smelled more like corn than candy). Barack Obama is the President-Elect of the United States of America, but that doesn't instantly solve everyone's problems as it seems a lot of people think it does. This is certainly an historic occasion, but there is a lot of hard work ahead. The economy still sucks. We're still in two wars. And George is still in office for another two and a half months. Who know? By the time January 20, 2009 rolls around, it might not roll around because we'll all be dead after a nuclear war with Russia. A lot can happen between now and then.

- Thoughts on vocabulary: A word that I really enjoy, that I didn't expect to hear yesterday (or today, or at all), was landslide. I just think that's a great word. I think another great and applicable word is groundswell. On NPR this morning they described the people at Grant Park in Chicago last night as delirious. I find that amusing.

- Something that has troubled me over the past several weeks, as Barack Obama's lead grew and his victory in the election looked to be inevitable, is this: there is still a decent-sized group of people out there who believe that Barack Obama is a deceiver. That he is an Arab. That he is a Muslim. That he is the Anti-Christ. Just because he won the election doesn't mean that those people have automatically changed their minds about him. The continued existence of these people (who, in my opinion are, in a word, lunatics) frightens and worries me.

- It's true, I got the majority of my news last night from CNN. However, Wolf Blitzer is not the person that told me that Barack Obama had clinched the election. No, that task fell to my favorite cable newsman: Jon Stewart. That was extremely satisfying. Also satisfying - and hysterical - was Stephen Colbert's reaction: he immediately donned blinders and earmuffs and sat in silence for the rest of the show.

- Speaking of Stephen Colbert, I think his reaction to the results mirrors my own. I've been fairly restrained in my enjoyment of the election outcome, and I wasn't sure why until I read this quote from Colbert (as himself, not the character): "I'm a little stunned. I don't know what to do with my happiness. I'm still afraid someone's going to take it away." That, I think, is exactly how I feel. I am as hopeful as I can be, but I will be infinitely more hopeful on and after January 20, 2009, when it's official and we can drop the '-elect' from President Obama's title.

- Finally, I am SO HAPPY that the political season is over. Politics are not going to go away any time soon, nor do I want them to, but at least the ads are done. If I never hear the names Ayers or Reverend Wright again, I will be a happy man. Also, I'm happy for Tina Fey: she'll never have to be Sarah Palin again, and she won't have to leave Earth as she said she would if Palin was elected.

I'm glad this erection is over. Of course, no sooner does one end that another one pops up. Still, I look forward to being politically flaccid for a little while. At least until the end of this week.

Monday, November 3, 2008

I want you all to watch PUSHING DAISIES.

I am taking a moment away from NaPoMoBloPoMo to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot lately. As citizens, I feel that we have a responsibility to support the things that we believe in, and there are a few things that I want to support right now.

1) Barack Obama. I don't know about you, but I like money, and while you may think that would make me a Republican, it does not, because while I like money, I don't make enough to become a Republican, and that means that I will qualify for a tax cut under President Obama.

2) Cinnamon toast. I just really like cinnamon toast.

3) Pushing Daisies (Wednesday nights at 8 PM on ABC). I was afraid this would happen. A bunch of great shows premiered last year, and among them was a little gem called Pushing Daisies. The show debuted to excellent ratings and critical acclaim, and all was right with the world (good shows actually being watched!). And then the Writer's Strike happened, and Pushing Daisies disappeared from TV for a long, long time. Like, ten months. And now it's back, and its ratings are suffering, even against the Barack Obama infomercial from last week (which admittedly, I watched - he's #1 on the list, and this show is #3, but I definitely taped Pushing Daisies, and I ate cinnamon toast while I watched it). It makes me sad to see such a quality, fun show doing poorly. I've found myself at a loss for how to sell people on this show, mostly because it's obvious to me what's wonderful about it and it's hard to describe other than to say that it's fun and it's quirky, but I'll do my best here.

Did you ever see the Tim Burton movie Big Fish? If not, you should go rent it, because it's fantastic. It's colorful and imaginative and it's like a fairy tale, and like all Tim Burton films it has a certain dark wit to it that is irresistable. Think also of Amelie, though less for the wit and more for the set design, classic and vibrant, and it's obvious that every shot is thought-out but it never distracts from the story and the confluence of the two things is just, in a word, delightful. All of this applies to Pushing Daisies. Each episode is like a mix between a Tim Burton film and Amelie. Throw in wonderfully-written dialogue and that about covers it.

If you don't believe me, or just want to read more about the show, read this article: Why Pushing Daisies is the Best TV Show You're Not Watching. And if you want to see it for yourself, you can watch it for free online here. Go ahead. Watch an episode. I'll wait.

Good stuff, right? Tell your friends. And watch it on Wednesday nights at 8 PM on ABC. Only not this week, because the Dancing with the Stars results show is on. Or next week, because the Country Music Awards are on. But hey, that gives you a good two weeks to get caught up on the episodes you haven't seen yet! And don't worry. I'll remind you in two weeks that it's going to be on. Wednesday nights at 8 PM on ABC.

Please don't let my favorite show die.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


This month is National Blog Post Month. Apparently you sign up for this on some website (I think it's this one) and then if you post on your blog every day for a full month you win a million gajillion dollars or some such nonsense. The abbreviation for National Blog Post Month is NaBloPoMo. Unfortunately I had forgotten about it until this morning, which means I will not qualify for the lots of money. Still, I thought I might attempt to take part to the best of my ability. What I would like to do, however, is start my own little contest. I call it National Post-Modern Blog Post Month, or NaPoMoBloPoMo. So here we go.


OMG today was the best day EVER! I signed up for this thing called NaBloPoMo, and if I write a post on my blog every day for a month I win a bunch of money! Its going to be superawesome! Stay tuned for more blog posts!

Even if I win a bunch of money, tho, idk if it will make Billy come bak to me. We had a huge fight last night and he stormed out of my apt in a huff. I thought hed come back a few minutes later, but he didnt. it was terrible and idk what to do. what shuld i do, internet people? Help me! This might be the worst thing ever that happened to me ever!!!!!!!! If billy doesnt come back idk what ill do. i relaly really hopes he comes back.

tonight im going down to the bar with my girlfriends and hopefuly forgetting about billy storming out last nite. ill let you know how it goes. by!