Friday, October 17, 2008

The Wright Brothers? How about The Wrong Brothers!

Ohio can lay claim to many things. A river named after it. A plumber. Several crappy sports franchises. But did you know that Ohio is also the birthplace of several important things? For instance, Superman was created by Cleveland residents Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. Kettering, OH native Nancy Cartwright is the voice of Bart Simpson. And, contrary to what you may have heard, Orville and Wilber Wright developed the technology for flight right here in Dayton.

What's that? You say that North Carolinans disagree? You say that North Carolinans claim that, since the Wright Brothers actually flew at Kitty Hawk and not in Dayton, their state is the rightful birthplace of flight? Bah, I say. BAH! I have mocked people in the past for taking part in the debate of which state holds the title 'The Birthplace of Aviation', but no more! It's time to take a stand. I'm going to channel my inner Colbert in order to settle this once and for all. With a good old fashioned STATE SYMBOLS FACE-OFF.

The Dogwood (NC) v. the Red Carnation (OH)

Have you ever given your sweetheart a Dogwood on Valentine's Day? The point goes to OHIO, for having a state flower that is more likely to get you laid.

"Esse Quam Virderi" (NC) v. "With God All Things Are Possible" (OH)

This is America, North Carolina. Speak. English. Point: OHIO.

Pine tree (NC) v. Buckeye (OH)

Pine trees make me think of Christmas. Christmas makes me think of presents. North Carolina is going to give me presents. Point: NORTH CAROLINA.

gray squirrel (NC) v. white-tailed deer (OH)

This is a tough call. While both animals look good after I have hit them with my car, only the gray squirrel has the balls to run out into traffic for no apparent reason. A deer is always crossing the street or something, and when a car comes, it just stops and looks at it. The squirrel has the sense to run. Point: NORTH CAROLINA.

The Cardinal (NC) v. The Cardinal (OH)

WHAT?! The cardinal is the state bird of both North Carolina and Ohio?! How can two states have the same state bird? That's like two different states saying that they are the birthplace of flight! It's just unheard of. Point: NEITHER.

So it looks like it's a draw. Neither Ohio nor North Carolina can definitively claim that they are the birthplace of aviation. of course, everyone in Ohio knows the real truth. As does everyone in North Carolina. Although, come to think of it, if Orville and Wilbur Wright had never invented flight, the world would be vastly different. For example, the Japanese would not have been able to bomb Pearl Harbor in 1941. Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper wouldn't have died in 1959. And the World Trade Center towers would still be standing today. So well done, Wright Brothers! Because of you, 9/11 happened.

On second thought, North Carolina can have flight. I doubt anyone in Ohio would want to be associated with people who aid terrorists.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The third most famous plumber in the world.

I'm thinking of becoming a plumber. I know, I know. It's a fad. Last week I was thinking about drinking a six-pack every day. It will all be over soon, I hope, and I can get back to my life. For now, though, the political candidates just won't leave me alone.

By now we all know about Joe the plumber. I've been hearing this all day. A friend of mine pointed out the inordinate number of Joes involved in the presidential campaigns this year - Joe Biden, Joe Six-Pack, Joe the plumber, and Joe Mama, to name a few. Well this morning I googled "Joe the plumber". And it turns out there are a lot of plumbers named Joe. And several have websites. So this is a free plug for them. If you need a plumber, call Joe. Joe the plumber.

Just be sure not to call the real Joe the plumber. The one that John McCain mentioned 900 times last night. That guy doesn't even have a license to be a plumber. He just does it all willy-nilly, like nobody cares. Well somebody cares, Joe the plumber. The state of Ohio cares. They've got a website for it and everything. You can even find out how to get licensed by going to that website. It's crazy about this new technology, isn't it? I know, man. I know. Y'know, I lived in Bowling Green for a few years. Bowling Green, which is just a hipshake south of Holland, where you live. Heck, maybe you even came and worked on my toilet once and I didn't know it. And I appreciate that. But I would also appreciate you GETTING YOUR PLUMBER'S LICENSE AND NOT SCREWING UP MY BATHTUB INSTALLATION BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LICENSED AND DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. Could you do that? Thanks.

On a related note, how great would it be if John McCain inadvertently put the place where Joe the plumber works out of business by drawing attention to the fact that they're operating without proper licenses? Nice work, John. Think before you speak.

(By the way, the two plumbers that are more famous than Joe the plumber? Two brothers named Mario and Luigi. Look them up. They're huge.)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I read all of the news.

When you're running for political office, I suppose it's easy to get flustered, especially when you're asked tough questions like what newspapers you read and which supreme court decisions you disagree with.

And I guess one way to react to that would be to assault your interviewer.

As much of a train wreck as it already was, just imagine if Sarah Palin had attacked Katie Couric during their interview.