"Anyone who can't make money on Sports Night should get out of the money-making business."

If you ever want to know if a show is going to get cancelled or not, just ask me if I like it, and if I say yes, then you know that it's not long for this world. I have a tendency to get attached to TV shows that end up being cancelled for one reason or another. I'll start watching a show and it will be really good and I will like it a lot, and then it will get cancelled because no one else is watching it.

This has been happening for years. Fox's Andy Richter Controls the Universe was a brilliant, imaginative, damn funny series that was cancelled only to be replaced by a show called (I kid you not) The Stupids. The live-action version of The Tick was just as funny and just as cancelled, and while I think that shows like it and ARCTU would survive today, they just didn't have a chance ten years ago. Of course, it's well-documented that Fox doesn't know how to treat new shows. It's truly a miracle that Arrested Development somehow managed to hold on for three seasons. And I'm only talking about shows I watched when they were on the air; there are plenty of other series (Firefly, Wonderfalls) that, had I watched them when they were originally aired and not years later on DVD, I would've been crushed when they were violently removed from the schedule after only 11 or 4 episodes, respectively.

And it's not just a Fox problem. Over on ABC, they're just as clueless. Sports Night limped through two glorious, low-rated seasons before getting the axe. The Clerks animated series, a direct precursor to the style of humor that Seth McFarlane has run into the ground and easily ten times as funny as the best episode of Family Guy, aired only two episodes before being cancelled. And after debuting its first season with very strong ratings, Pushing Daisies lost its viewership and was canned, though this was not ABC's fault, as PD was a clear casualty of last year's Writer's Strike.

This problem that I have is not strictly limited to TV shows. Invariably my favorite comic book series are always the ones that no one reads and that end within a year or two of their start (Hourman, Manhunter, Gotham Central, Nextwave, Sleeper, Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane, Breach...I could go on). Even the toy lines that I collect seem to hobble along until finally they just fade away.

It doesn't always end badly, though. NBC's Chuck came close to suffering the same fate as Pushing Daisies, but thankfully was granted a third season, and I couldn't be happier. I think, though, that that's the most stressful part of watching TV for me at this point: worrying about whether the shows I love are going to get picked up. Sure, we all know The Office isn't going anywhere, and The CW will absolutely never let Smallville die (I will stick with you until the end, Clark, no matter how bad your adventures are), but everything else is up in the air. I love Chuck and I really got into Dollhouse towards the end of the season, and I am ecstatic that both are returning for another season, but I sincerely hope that their ratings improve next year, not only because I want to make sure they can come back for more, but also because I just cannot handle the constant stress of not knowing whether a show I enjoy is going to be unceremoniously killed. When the announcement came that Pushing Daisies had been pulled from the schedule, I was sad, but I have to admit I was also a little relieved. I had closure, and no matter how heart-broken I was, I could at least move on. I suppose watching these constantly on-the-bubble TV shows is a lot like being in a really unstable relationship.

And yet I'm magnetically drawn to these shows, for one reason or another. Sure, they hurt you sometimes, but the good times are so good that it more than makes up for the bad. At least, that's what I tell myself. Really I think I might just be a glutton for punishment.

Eradicator!

It's TV Week over on The Collective, and in yesterday's post Kat mentioned her love of The Kids in the Hall. This led me to reflect on my own enjoyment of those lovable Canadian scamps, and I decided to look up my favorite sketches on the interwebs. So here are three of my favorite Kids in the Hall sketches:

3. What's all the hoopla?



2. My favorite zombie chase scene ever.



1. The Eradicator!



Thirty Helens agree: The Kids in the Hall are awesome.

Death, Threes, and Celebrities ("That was an unfortunate rhyme, but still...")

I'd like to talk about something that's very important for a moment. Five days ago, Ed McMahon died. Then, a few days later, both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson followed suit. Celebrity death comes in threes. This is not news to anyone. It's an odd phenomenon that, whenever one celebrity dies, two more are soon to follow, and it almost always rings true. I say almost, because when David Carradine died, no one else did, but that's neither here nor there.

Well, apparently last night or this morning Billy Mays died. Not the soccer player, the pitchman. This is a guy who, whenever he came on TV, always made me turn the volume down because he was just so friggin' loud and so excited about whatever he was selling. The ShamWow and OxiClean are probably his two most famous products, though I would have loved to have seen what he could do with a Snuggie. Alas, though, he's gone.

I notice that people are saying, 'Oh no, Billy Mays is gone, who's next in the set of three?' And to this I must object. Is Billy Mays really a celebrity? Sure, people know who he is, but only because he's on TV every twelve minutes telling you who he is and to buy some useless product. Is that the definition of a celebrity? What exactly makes one 'famous'? McMahon, Fawcett, and Jackson all had careers as late-night sidekicks, actors, or musicians. I don't think anyone would question their celebrity status. But is a commercial pitchman, albeit a recognizable one, who doesn't make his own product, whose sole purpose is to get you to call 1-800 number to order what is essentially a knife that will cut pennies, really to be considered a celebrity?

I don't have any answer to this question. I really want to know, though, because if Billy Mays is considered a celebrity then I think it's time that we, as a people, rethink the definition of that word. Being a celebrity used to mean something. You had to be John Lennon, Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant to be a celebrity. Now you just have to be annoying and visible. I suppose that in a world where Paris Hilton, a talentless, unattractive brat whose only defining quality is the fact that she comes from a rich family, and where those two idiots from The Hills (I honestly don't even remember their names, but you know who I'm talking about), are considered celebrities, then the sky's the limit for a guy like Billy Mays. At least he was moderately likable.

We're two grown men with important jobs who are standing in their underwear. Let's sing a song.

As a public service to the world, here is every episode of Sports Night for you to watch for free online.

You're welcome.

What man? Which man? Who's the man? When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? Am I a man? Yes. Technically, I am.

I'm procrastinating right now, and the ladies on The Collective filled out a survey this week. Seeing as I enjoy filling out surveys, and seeing as they're excellent time wasters that don't at all feel like a waste of time until they're over, I thought I'd go ahead and fill it out, too. Here it is.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?

I have several scars on my fingers that resulted from toy customizing accidents.

2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?

To be finished with my work. And to not have a cold anymore.

3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?

I think I was born around 1:00 AM, but I could be way off. I feel like I missed being born on Valentine's Day by that much.

4. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?



5. THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED:

Sports Night. Hands down.

6. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?

I talked to Jennie while she was stuck in traffic on her way home from work. Talking to her is often the only human contact that I have during the day.

7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?

Nope.

8. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?

It was probably myself for some reason. I couldn't tell you for sure, though.

9. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?

All of them.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?

I don't have a favorite. Right now my favorite smell is Vick's Vaporub. Mmmmm.

11. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?

No preference.

12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?

You can be smart without being funny, but you can't be funny without being smart, so I would rather be funny, because if I'm funny then the chances are good that I'm also smart.

13. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?

Coffee. But not regular coffee. I like froufy coffee with lots of sugar and chocolate and whipped cream and stuff. Judge me if you must.

14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

You remember the cookies that they used to have at Wendy's? They were big cookies and they were really delicious. I would eat one of those.

15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?

I have no idea. Probably Jennie, though she is hesitant to tell me when she's mad at me.

16. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?

Jawohl.

17. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?

*blushes* yeah....

18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?

No. Funny story, though: I once fell in love knowing that I was leaving. Okay, not really funny so much as awful.

19. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?

Hugs.

20. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?

Bad drivers.

21. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.?

Yes.

22. YOUR WEAKNESSES?

Kryptonite. Canada. Vintage toys.

23. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?

I would not have this done. I prefer nature the way it is.

24. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?

The Collective tells me what to think.

25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?

I used to be, but I'm not anymore, though I sort of hope that I'll never have to ask anyone out again.

26. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?

My height, which is great, since I work so hard at being tall! Seriously, people. I know I'm a giant. Get over it.

27. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?

Continue living my life as if nothing had changed.

28. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?

None right now, thank you.

29. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

My first name is my dad's middle name. I don't know who he was named after.

30. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?

My eyes regularly water if the Sun is in my eyes for any sort of period of time. So probably the last time I looked in the direction of the Sun.

31. ANY BAD HABITS?

I'm a collector. I will go on little sprees where I try to buy up as many of one type of thing as possible (usually it's toys, but sometimes it's comics).

32. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

I would like to think so.

33. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?

A few people, yes, of varying degrees of celebrity.

34. DO LOOKS MATTER?

Everything matters. It really just depends on how much each thing matters.

35. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?

I rant sarcastically.

36. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?

I simultaneously trust and distrust people immediately. There's a window of a few hours where that happens and then I subconsciously make my decision one way or the other.

37. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:

"Think About It" by Flight of the Conchords.

38. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?

Tomorrow.

39. FAVORITE EXPRESSION?

"Make it work," as said by a robot of Tim Gunn.

WARNING: This is a post about toys. My next post will be a movie review. You can look forward to that if you don't want to read this one.

I was going to give Jennie crap about how she hasn't written on her blog in a week, not really because it bothered me but because I like to give Jennie crap, when I realized that I haven't written on my blog in longer than that, so I thought I would go ahead and write sometime. I'm taking a well-deserved break from writing many many math problems. At some point I will get back to that later on this evening, and then I will be going to help Jennie and Heidi (new character! Jennie's roommate) move from one apartment to another, better one. Awesome.

So recently I've been spending my money on toys, which is not a shock to anyone, but the interesting thing is what I've been buying. Ever since I was very young I've been enamored of a series of toys from the '80s called The Super Powers Collection. Considered by many geeks to be the best toyline ever (seriously, ever), this was the first truly comprehensive series of toys dedicated solely to the DC Universe characters. Over the course of three years collectors not only saw figures of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, but also of Green Lantern, Dr. Fate, and obscure characters like Mr. Miracle, Plastic Man, and Samurai. Each figure was a unique sculpt, and very, very detailed. There are a couple of websites devoted to the series - ToyOtter's archive is my favorite, and Mike Mensinger's site has great stuff on it, too.

I've had a collection of these figures loose for years, but a few months ago I decided I wanted to collect them on their cards, too. I love the art on the packages, and pretty much all of the art associated with the series. It's a really clean style, and it reminds me of the art in comics that I read when I was really young and first getting into comics. The whole thing is a nostalgia project for me, but I'm having a great time. Anyway, this morning I took some pictures of my collection, and I thought maybe I'd share them. I don't know if anyone reading this really cares, but I'm pretty proud of it.


Here's my loose collection of all 34 figures in the series, along with one of the figures in his package. On the top shelf is the Hall of Justice, the headquarters of the Superfriends (naturally!), and a carrying case that went with the series of figures. I really like the art on the cover of the carrying case.


Here are the figures still in their packages that I've picked up so far. I've got a few more coming, but I really like how these guys look. On the shelf below those is a board game that came out in the '80s that tied in with the series of figures, as well as the Batmobile, which is the first toy from this series that I actually remember receiving as a child. The main thing I remember about it, aside from the fact that it was a birthday gift, was the box. It was so vibrant and it displayed the features of the toy so perfectly. The Batmobile is my single favorite toy from this series.


I've also been collecting items that were related to the series and that showcased the art of the toy line. On the wall is a mail-away poster that was offered with proofs of purchase from the figures. On the top shelf below the poster is a related comic, a mail-away record, and the materials for the Super Powers Fan Club, which are really scarce nowadays, considering that they were offered to kids in the '80s and most kids probably destroyed them. In front of all of that is a series of drinking glasses that came out featuring art from the series. On the far right, next to the Flash glass, is a box that I made that displays the mini-comics that came with each figure from the first two years of the line. Some of my first comics were those mini-comics.


Here's the weird stuff. There was a promotion at Burger King in the '80s that tied in to the toy line. There were four different kid's meal boxes, and four different toys, which were just cups with Superman, Batman, Darkseid (big bad villain), and Wonder Woman for handles. So those are all there. Then there are four VHS tapes bearing the Super Powers label, three of four 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books that also bore the brand (those books are AWESOME, by the way), and three book-and-record sets that were also Super Powers branded. I like the weird stuff because it showcases the art of the series and because, well, it's just weird. I mean, book-and-record sets? How awesome are those!

Sometimes when I'm talking about toys Jennie just gives me a sideways look, like I'm from another planet or she has no idea what I'm talking about, and that's totally cool. I know not everyone understands stuff like this. The best explanation I can give is that collecting toys reminds me of my childhood. I have extremely fond memories attached to everything on these shelves, and it makes me happy. I don't know why other people do it, but that's why I do it, anyway. Also, it's just a lot of fun. And it's cheaper than being addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Thus ends the geekiest post yet on my blog. More to come? Who knows.

Identity Crisis!

About a month ago, on a Friday night, I got a call from my credit card company telling me that my identity had been stolen. Well, they didn't say that exactly, but they asked me to verify some charges that had been made, and I verified that I had, in fact, not made them, which meant that someone else had done so, which meant that my identity had been stolen. No big whoop. I went to the bank the next day and we went over the list of charges (the card that was used was a check card), and they sent the list of fraudulent charges to the boys in Fraud, and I wasn't out a dime. It was actually pretty great how easy it was to fix everything. While I was there I probably could have told them that a bunch of stuff that I'd bought online in the previous week was fake, too, and they wouldn't have had any idea. Except then I would've been essentially stealing my own identity, and committing my own fraud, and the boys in Fraud don't take too kindly to people what commit fraud.

A week or so later, packages started arriving. I didn't think anything of this, since I'm a fairly frequent eBay shopper, so I usually have a package or two a week of stuff that I've bought of the old internet. But the packages that were arriving were frequent, and they were things that I hadn't ordered. The first thing I received was a DVD detailing how to become a grant writer and make millions of dollars. I didn't watch it, but I probably should have, seeing as I'm barely making thousands of dollars now, and a million is a lot more than a thousand (I write math problems for a living!). The next thing that came was some make-up. Confession time: being a straight man, I don't wear make-up. I know, it's a shocker. I have worn make-up in the past, but only for the sake of theatre (I'm a straight man, I swear), and never for the fun of it. Okay, there was that costume party that I went to where I wore gold make-up all over my face, but that's it. The make-up that I'd received was age-defying cosmetic make-up, meant to make me look years younger than I am. It was basically Botox in a jar, and if I'd used it I was guaranteed to look like a 15-year-old again, which doesn't sound at all pleasant considering how pimply I was back then.

To make a long story short, the thieves who stole my identity, in their infinite wisdom, ordered a bunch of stuff online using my credit card and then had all of the stuff shipped to me. For what purpose, I have no idea. Minor inconvenience, perhaps? It would've been, if I'd had to return any of the stuff that I'd received, but after speaking to the people at the bank I learned that I was under no obligation to do so. So not only did I get all of my money back, but I also received the aforementioned DVD and make-up, plus a box of crappy books from Doubleday (which I not only did not have to pay for but ended up selling at Half-Price Books for a small profit) and a pair of earrings (which I gave to my mom, since Jennie doesn't wear jewelry and my mom really liked them). But my favorite thing that I received was a box from FTD: flowers. What had my identity thief sent me? Had he or she done so out of appreciation for my letting them use my credit card for a day? I opened the box with a great deal of anticipation, and I found a bouquet of lilies and pink roses. They were nice flowers, for sure, so I decided to display them. Unfortunately, not having any sort of a vase in my apartment, I had to make due with a water jug.



My favorite part about the flowers, aside from the fact that someone had sent me flowers and that has never happened before (and will probably never happen again), was that they came with a card. What would these dastardly criminals write? Would they reveal anything about their identity, or taunt me with the fact that they would probably never be caught? No. It was something far more touching than that.



Of course you do, you wasted a full day spending my money on useless crap that you didn't even have the brains to have sent to yourself.