Having corrected my course, I made my way towards the maneuverability course, which was nothing more than five cones set up in a deserted area of the parking lot. I stopped before entering the coned rectangle, and wiped my hands on my jeans. My palms were sweating like it was their job. My confidence was shaken by my inability to follow simple instructions like 'go to the right.' Would I be able to do this activity which I had so adeptly completed several weeks before? It was do or die time, and I was about to find out just what I was made of.
"Pull forward and go to the right and stop," the examiner said flatly. "Don't forget, you lose five points for every time you stop without having completed the course." He seemed helpful, although he never looked up from his clipboard. I imagined that I must be the ten thousandth kid to which he had given a driving test, and that all of this must be dreadfully boring to him at this point. I thought that I would get this over with quickly and perfectly, and that he would be so impressed with my ability at maneuvering what was surely a boat of a car that he would tell me to skip the road portion of the test and simply give me my license right there. My confidence had returned. But for how long?
I pulled the car forward and to the right with ease, maneuvering past the cones smoothly, like a duck gliding across a still pond, my hands spinning the steering wheel, my feet caressing the gas and brake pedals as if the car was an extension of myself. I was one with the Cadillac, and the Cadillac was one with me. The instructor simply grunted. "Okay," he said, still not looking up from his clipboard. "Now go back."
This was the challenge. To back up through the maneuverability course, one had to draw upon everything that he had learned as a driver's ed student. Hand positions on the steering wheel. Awareness of the location of all of the cones. And, above all else, mirrors. One could successfully maneuver the course with ease by relying solely on his or her mirrors.
It was at that moment that I forgot how to use my mirrors. I forgot that I even had mirrors. The car was an extension of me, and I do not have mirrors, so why should the car? It was preposterous to think that mirrors would help me in any way whatsoever. It was also at that moment that I realized that I had never completed maneuverability in this behemoth of a car. The car that the driving instructor had driven was a Honda Civic, which was at least half the size of the car I was currently driving. Finally, I realized a third thing at this moment. I realized that I had no idea what I was doing. I was screwed. It was going to take one thing to get me through this. I needed a miracle.
Next: the miracle.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Unemployment, Day 22: Storytime!
Today I'd like to take a slight detour from relating my escapades in unemployment. Yesterday Jennie asked me to tell her a story, so I did, and it was a pretty good story, and it was all true, so I thought I would share it with you today. It's in three parts. Here, then, is part I of the epic tale of how I failed my driving test but still got my driver's license.
_________________________________________
It was a cold day in February, 1999 that my parents and I ventured out to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles in search of vehicular independence from each other. No more would they have to take me everywhere I wanted to go, and no more would my mobility be limited by lack of a small plastic card with my name, address, and picture on it. I was going to get my driver's license. It would be a day long remembered.
I had been practicing for months, naturally. I'd been on the road many times with my parents, and a few times with an instructor. My final outing with the instructor lasted about fifteen minutes. The instructor decided to have me practice maneuverability first thing, and I did it perfectly in one try. It was a thing of beauty. He looked at me and asked if I wanted to do anything else, and I said no. I wanted to go home and watch cartoons. I didn't tell him that, but it was true. So that was the end of that lesson. I figured, given the ease with which I had completed the final practice of the maneuverability test, the actual exam would be a breeze.
I took the written test and missed one question, though what they were and what the correct answers were escape me now. I'm sure it was something trivial having to do with school zones or what to do when you accidentally get caught in a funeral procession. Having completed the written section, it was time to get behind the wheel. The car: a 1987 Cadillac, my dad's old car, and the largest car ever built at the time (this was in the halcyon days before the rise of the SUV). Or at least it felt like the largest car ever when you were driving it. There were no fewer than 27 blind spots, and as I slid into the driver's seat, I could feel them all glaring at me, laughing, daring me to forget about them, to make one false move.
The instructor buckled his safety belt and said, "Why don't you go ahead and pull out of this spot and go to the right. We're going to do maneuverability first." I smiled and nodded. Maneuverability was my bitch. It was time for me to take it from behind until it begged for mercy. I placed the car in drive and proceeded to pull out of the spot, and I got halfway out before the instructor yelled at me. I had gone to the left instead of the right. Oops.
Next: The Test!
_________________________________________
It was a cold day in February, 1999 that my parents and I ventured out to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles in search of vehicular independence from each other. No more would they have to take me everywhere I wanted to go, and no more would my mobility be limited by lack of a small plastic card with my name, address, and picture on it. I was going to get my driver's license. It would be a day long remembered.
I had been practicing for months, naturally. I'd been on the road many times with my parents, and a few times with an instructor. My final outing with the instructor lasted about fifteen minutes. The instructor decided to have me practice maneuverability first thing, and I did it perfectly in one try. It was a thing of beauty. He looked at me and asked if I wanted to do anything else, and I said no. I wanted to go home and watch cartoons. I didn't tell him that, but it was true. So that was the end of that lesson. I figured, given the ease with which I had completed the final practice of the maneuverability test, the actual exam would be a breeze.
I took the written test and missed one question, though what they were and what the correct answers were escape me now. I'm sure it was something trivial having to do with school zones or what to do when you accidentally get caught in a funeral procession. Having completed the written section, it was time to get behind the wheel. The car: a 1987 Cadillac, my dad's old car, and the largest car ever built at the time (this was in the halcyon days before the rise of the SUV). Or at least it felt like the largest car ever when you were driving it. There were no fewer than 27 blind spots, and as I slid into the driver's seat, I could feel them all glaring at me, laughing, daring me to forget about them, to make one false move.
The instructor buckled his safety belt and said, "Why don't you go ahead and pull out of this spot and go to the right. We're going to do maneuverability first." I smiled and nodded. Maneuverability was my bitch. It was time for me to take it from behind until it begged for mercy. I placed the car in drive and proceeded to pull out of the spot, and I got halfway out before the instructor yelled at me. I had gone to the left instead of the right. Oops.
Next: The Test!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Unemployment, Day 14: What I Did on My Unemployment Vacation
At 5:04 today, I plan to drink a toast to The Mazer Corporation, for it was two weeks ago today that the following e-mail went out to all of its employees:
From: david_mazer@mazer.com
Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:03:56 -0500
Conversation: Creative Services Closure
Subject: Creative Services Closure
12/30/2008
To: Our Employees
From: David Mazer, CEO
Re: Closure
Please be advised that there are on-going negotiations with a potential buyer of the Creative Services Division. As of the end of the day today, all Creative and Corporate employees are terminated. We hope that the business will be reconstituted with a new owner who may ask you to return as early as next week.
The Mazer Corporation began 44 years ago and has provided service to the community of Dayton, its employees, customers, suppliers, and the youth of America since that time. A combination of events in the publishing market and the state of the general economy has taken their toll on Mazer Corporation. The Mazer Family still believed in the company's potential and recently increased its investment to continue operations but could not secure additional future funding.
Sincerely,
David Mazer
CEO
The Mazer Corp.
It's important to note that the second paragraph is more or less a form paragraph that was included in an e-mail that went out not ten minutes earlier informing employees that the Printing Services Division of the company was shutting down. It's also important to note the complete lack of any sort of human emotion evident in the e-mail. This simply reinforces my long-held thought that David Mazer is, in fact, a cyborg, sent from the future to kill John Connor and to screw the employees of The Mazer Corporation with their pants on.
Honestly, I'm not bitter. I'm not even a little angry. I'm mostly just amused that it happened the way that it happened. Also, that Mavericks, the comic book store I have been frequenting for the better part of my life and that is run by an insane old man who seems to be doing everything in his power to run the store into the ground, outlasted The Mazer Corporation. Bravo, Mavericks. Bravo. And bravo to you, Mazer Corporation. Your dedication to screwing your employees at the eleventh hour knows no bounds.
Days that I have been unemployed: 14
Jobs that I have applied for: 7
Jobs that I actually wanted from those that I applied for: 1
Jobs that have been offered to me: 0
Days on which I have gotten out of bed at 10:00 AM or later: 4
Days on which I have showered at 4:00 PM or later: 1
Days on which I have not showered at all: 0 (but give it time)
Days on which I have compulsively cleaned my apartment: 3
Movies I have watched: 5
Books I have read: 1
Comics that I have read: dozens
Parties I have hosted: 1
Fun I have had during my two weeks of unemployment: a lot
Tomorrow, I'll talk about all of the problems that this abrupt closure has caused, and about all of the things that the Mazers did wrong (spoiler alert: there are many, many things).
From: david_mazer@mazer.com
Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:03:56 -0500
Conversation: Creative Services Closure
Subject: Creative Services Closure
12/30/2008
To: Our Employees
From: David Mazer, CEO
Re: Closure
Please be advised that there are on-going negotiations with a potential buyer of the Creative Services Division. As of the end of the day today, all Creative and Corporate employees are terminated. We hope that the business will be reconstituted with a new owner who may ask you to return as early as next week.
The Mazer Corporation began 44 years ago and has provided service to the community of Dayton, its employees, customers, suppliers, and the youth of America since that time. A combination of events in the publishing market and the state of the general economy has taken their toll on Mazer Corporation. The Mazer Family still believed in the company's potential and recently increased its investment to continue operations but could not secure additional future funding.
Sincerely,
David Mazer
CEO
The Mazer Corp.
It's important to note that the second paragraph is more or less a form paragraph that was included in an e-mail that went out not ten minutes earlier informing employees that the Printing Services Division of the company was shutting down. It's also important to note the complete lack of any sort of human emotion evident in the e-mail. This simply reinforces my long-held thought that David Mazer is, in fact, a cyborg, sent from the future to kill John Connor and to screw the employees of The Mazer Corporation with their pants on.
Honestly, I'm not bitter. I'm not even a little angry. I'm mostly just amused that it happened the way that it happened. Also, that Mavericks, the comic book store I have been frequenting for the better part of my life and that is run by an insane old man who seems to be doing everything in his power to run the store into the ground, outlasted The Mazer Corporation. Bravo, Mavericks. Bravo. And bravo to you, Mazer Corporation. Your dedication to screwing your employees at the eleventh hour knows no bounds.
Days that I have been unemployed: 14
Jobs that I have applied for: 7
Jobs that I actually wanted from those that I applied for: 1
Jobs that have been offered to me: 0
Days on which I have gotten out of bed at 10:00 AM or later: 4
Days on which I have showered at 4:00 PM or later: 1
Days on which I have not showered at all: 0 (but give it time)
Days on which I have compulsively cleaned my apartment: 3
Movies I have watched: 5
Books I have read: 1
Comics that I have read: dozens
Parties I have hosted: 1
Fun I have had during my two weeks of unemployment: a lot
Tomorrow, I'll talk about all of the problems that this abrupt closure has caused, and about all of the things that the Mazers did wrong (spoiler alert: there are many, many things).
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Unemployment, Day 1: Party!
So, that happened.
When I received the e-mail saying that I was fired and that the company was closing down forever (seriously), all I could do was laugh. And laugh I did. A lot. For the rest of the night. Jennie described my mood as 'elated'.
I'll print the entirety of the e-mail later. It's pretty amazing, and actually more or less a form letter. I think you'll all enjoy it.
More news to come, of course. I've got a lot of free time on my hands now.
When I received the e-mail saying that I was fired and that the company was closing down forever (seriously), all I could do was laugh. And laugh I did. A lot. For the rest of the night. Jennie described my mood as 'elated'.
I'll print the entirety of the e-mail later. It's pretty amazing, and actually more or less a form letter. I think you'll all enjoy it.
More news to come, of course. I've got a lot of free time on my hands now.
Monday, December 29, 2008
How PUSHING DAISIES will end
Before I begin, I'd like to point out that all of this is conjecture. This is actually a theory that I came up with months ago, and Jennie can attest to that because I shared it with her and I thought I was the smartest person ever but that it wouldn't happen for a long time, because clearly PUSHING DAISIES was destined to be on the air for years and years. Sigh. Anyway, after being a few episodes on the series, we finally got caught up, and I'm convinced now more than ever that my theory will come to pass. So here it goes...
HOW PUSHING DAISIES WILL END:
- Ned's father will return and reveal that he, too, can bring things back to life by touching them
- It will be revealed that Ned died once when he was very young (perhaps at birth) and that his father brought him back to life. He later abandoned Ned because he didn't want to risk touching him and killing him again
- Ned will touch Chuck again, killing her. Ned's father will then touch her, bringing her back to life. Ned's father will then die, sacrificing himself so that Ned and Chuck can be together
- Ned and Chuck will kiss; no one will die
Also, I'm sure there'll be some stuff with Emerson and Olive in there, too, but I'm more concerned with Ned and Chuck. Emerson needs to find his daughter, and Olive needs to get over Ned (perhaps with Emerson? What an odd couple that would be). But the main conflict of the series of course stems from the fact that Ned and Chuck cannot touch, and my little theory would take care of that.
So how do I support my theory? Before the most recent episodes, I couldn't. It was pure conjecture. But after the last episode that has aired, I think I'm on pretty solid ground. The facts are these:
- Ned's father has returned. He appeared at the end of the most recent episode, and appears to be watching over Ned, even going so far as to save his and Olive's lives
- Ned's father appeared to be covered from head to toe, save for his face (naturally). I have thought from the beginning of the show that Ned and Chuck could hold hands and/or not have to worry about bumping into each other constantly if Ned would just wear long-sleeved shirts, pants, and, above all, GLOVES. We saw in a recent episode Chuck's father (whom I will come back to) grab Ned by the sleeved arm with his bare hand, and he did not die, presumably because of Ned's sleeve. So why is the fact that Ned's father wore gloves important? Because if he hadn't been wearing gloves, and he had grabbed Ned to stop him from falling, Ned would have died. According to the theory, anyway.
- Ned's father abandoned Ned at the Longville School for Boys when he was very young, and we have never seen him, not even during scenes in which Ned's mother was alive. The debate between Ned and Chuck's father is that the only way to protect Chuck is to get her as far away from Ned as possible so that the chance of their accidentally touching becomes nonexistent. I think that looking at Ned's father's abandonment of him through the lens of a father trying to protect his child provides a perfect reason for Ned's father to have abandoned him in the first place: he wanted to minimize the chance of his ever accidentally touching Ned and killing him again.
Until the remaining episodes of the series air, we won't know for sure what happens. Supposedly there's going to be some sort of closure, but I doubt it will be the amount of closure that devoted fans (read: me) will want. In the mean time, I'm comfortable with my theory. Because yes, these are the things that I think about all of the time.
HOW PUSHING DAISIES WILL END:
- Ned's father will return and reveal that he, too, can bring things back to life by touching them
- It will be revealed that Ned died once when he was very young (perhaps at birth) and that his father brought him back to life. He later abandoned Ned because he didn't want to risk touching him and killing him again
- Ned will touch Chuck again, killing her. Ned's father will then touch her, bringing her back to life. Ned's father will then die, sacrificing himself so that Ned and Chuck can be together
- Ned and Chuck will kiss; no one will die
Also, I'm sure there'll be some stuff with Emerson and Olive in there, too, but I'm more concerned with Ned and Chuck. Emerson needs to find his daughter, and Olive needs to get over Ned (perhaps with Emerson? What an odd couple that would be). But the main conflict of the series of course stems from the fact that Ned and Chuck cannot touch, and my little theory would take care of that.
So how do I support my theory? Before the most recent episodes, I couldn't. It was pure conjecture. But after the last episode that has aired, I think I'm on pretty solid ground. The facts are these:
- Ned's father has returned. He appeared at the end of the most recent episode, and appears to be watching over Ned, even going so far as to save his and Olive's lives
- Ned's father appeared to be covered from head to toe, save for his face (naturally). I have thought from the beginning of the show that Ned and Chuck could hold hands and/or not have to worry about bumping into each other constantly if Ned would just wear long-sleeved shirts, pants, and, above all, GLOVES. We saw in a recent episode Chuck's father (whom I will come back to) grab Ned by the sleeved arm with his bare hand, and he did not die, presumably because of Ned's sleeve. So why is the fact that Ned's father wore gloves important? Because if he hadn't been wearing gloves, and he had grabbed Ned to stop him from falling, Ned would have died. According to the theory, anyway.
- Ned's father abandoned Ned at the Longville School for Boys when he was very young, and we have never seen him, not even during scenes in which Ned's mother was alive. The debate between Ned and Chuck's father is that the only way to protect Chuck is to get her as far away from Ned as possible so that the chance of their accidentally touching becomes nonexistent. I think that looking at Ned's father's abandonment of him through the lens of a father trying to protect his child provides a perfect reason for Ned's father to have abandoned him in the first place: he wanted to minimize the chance of his ever accidentally touching Ned and killing him again.
Until the remaining episodes of the series air, we won't know for sure what happens. Supposedly there's going to be some sort of closure, but I doubt it will be the amount of closure that devoted fans (read: me) will want. In the mean time, I'm comfortable with my theory. Because yes, these are the things that I think about all of the time.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Christmas is coming...it's practically here!
And I am freaking the f@#$ out. In a good way. I'm extremely excited for Christmas this year, and I honestly have no idea why. There's really nothing to make this Christmas different from any other Christmas (except for this - isn't she cute?). And yet, for some reason, I feel as if I am more excited for this Christmas than I have ever been. Maybe it's because I bought presents for a lot of people and I think they'll all really like what I got them. Maybe it's because I don't have any idea what I'm getting for Christmas. Or maybe it's because I'm going to have FIVE DAYS OFF IN A ROW starting tomorrow.
Yeah, I definitely think it's the days off.
This is a short entry, but I just wanted to share my Christmas glee with both of you that read this. Have a merry Christmas. Or, if you don't celebrate Christmas, have a happy Thursday. If anyone needs me, I'll be stuffing myself silly with Christmas cookies (including the triumphant return of my mom's extra-delicious mint chocolate chip cookies!) and egg nog, playing tuba at two (count 'em, two) churches on Christmas eve, and enjoying five days off from work in a row. Did I mention that I have five days off from work in a row? I have five days off from work in a row. It's going to be glorious.
Merry Christmas!
Yeah, I definitely think it's the days off.
This is a short entry, but I just wanted to share my Christmas glee with both of you that read this. Have a merry Christmas. Or, if you don't celebrate Christmas, have a happy Thursday. If anyone needs me, I'll be stuffing myself silly with Christmas cookies (including the triumphant return of my mom's extra-delicious mint chocolate chip cookies!) and egg nog, playing tuba at two (count 'em, two) churches on Christmas eve, and enjoying five days off from work in a row. Did I mention that I have five days off from work in a row? I have five days off from work in a row. It's going to be glorious.
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
From IMDB:
Murphy And Labeouf For Batman
17 December 2008 5:29 PM, PST
Eddie Murphy and Shia Labeouf have been lined up to star in the next Batman movie, according to reports.
The Beverly Hills Cop actor will star as The Riddler and Labeouf will play the caped crusader's sidekick Robin in the next instalment, tentatively titled Gotham.
Actress Rachel Weisz is reportedly in the frame to play Catwoman. Christian Bale will return as Bruce Wayne and Michael Caine will again play his assistant Alfred, according to British newspaper The Sun.
The movie, which is slated for a 2010 release, will be directed by Christopher Nolan, who made The Dark Knight such a huge success when it was released this year.
A source says, "Chris wasn't sure if he wanted to do another movie but as soon as he decided to, he got the wheels in motion. Eddie's a fantastic addition. Everyone's excited to see what he does as the Riddler."
I love it when the media reports on rumors that are so ridiculous that they couldn't possibly be true!
Murphy And Labeouf For Batman
17 December 2008 5:29 PM, PST
Eddie Murphy and Shia Labeouf have been lined up to star in the next Batman movie, according to reports.
The Beverly Hills Cop actor will star as The Riddler and Labeouf will play the caped crusader's sidekick Robin in the next instalment, tentatively titled Gotham.
Actress Rachel Weisz is reportedly in the frame to play Catwoman. Christian Bale will return as Bruce Wayne and Michael Caine will again play his assistant Alfred, according to British newspaper The Sun.
The movie, which is slated for a 2010 release, will be directed by Christopher Nolan, who made The Dark Knight such a huge success when it was released this year.
A source says, "Chris wasn't sure if he wanted to do another movie but as soon as he decided to, he got the wheels in motion. Eddie's a fantastic addition. Everyone's excited to see what he does as the Riddler."
I love it when the media reports on rumors that are so ridiculous that they couldn't possibly be true!
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