Movies Galore!

I was going to write a review of The Dark Knight, which is a little art house film that came out this past weekend. I've read dozens of reviews for it already, and in doing so I determined that there was really nothing left to be said. Yes, it's amazing. Yes, Heath Ledger steals the show as The Joker. Yes, it is definitely the best comic book movie ever made. Yes, it is Oscar-worthy and would surely win if the Oscars were tomorrow. I'm hesitant to say that it will 'definitely win awards' because we're only halfway through the year, and a lot can happen between now and January, but as of right now, it is easily the best movie of the year. I could say all of those things, but they've been said to death at this point. If you don't believe me, check out the 95% rating that the film has received at Rotten Tomatoes. So that's all I'm going to say about that. Though I reserve the right to come back to it. And expect a post at some point about what I want to happen in the next film.

So rather than review a movie that has been reviewed and reviewed again to death, I thought I would review the other big release of the past weekend, Mamma Mia!, a film adaptation of the ABBA musical. If you have a chance to see this film in the theatre for free, do yourself a favor.

DON'T.

I would like to begin by saying that I think it's important to separate the film version of Mamma Mia! from its stage show roots. I find nothing wrong with the show itself. The songs are catchy (they're ABBA, after all), the story entertaining and appropriately cheesy and funny. I'm sure that, as a stage production, in the hands of a competent director and trained theater actors, this show would be extremely entertaining. I have several friends who have seen the stage show several times and they love it.

The fault, dear Brutus, lies not within the show, but within the film.

Let's start with the acting, as that is obviously the first thing that you will notice upon watching the film. The acting...leaves something to be desired. The two main characters are played by Meryl Streep and Amanda Seyfried. Meryl Streep is a proven commodity, veteran actress of such excellent films as Death Becomes Her and Adaptation. Amanda Seyfried...isn't. As far as excited teenage girl screaming goes, she's a professional, and she sings wonderfully. Anything else, though, and all you'll get is a variation of a teenage girl scream. If the film had been an opera, it probably would have worked better, because the less she actually spoke the more she sang, the better.

Then there are the male leads, played by Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, and Stellan Skarsgard (whose name I had to look up because a) I haven't seen him in anything else, and b) his character is utterly forgettable, as he really does nothing at all in the film). Both Firth and Brosnan have singing numbers, and while Firth pulls his off decently - he's not great, but he doesn't make me want to die - Brosnan fails stupendously. He ends up being the main love interest for Meryl Streep, and the songs - more than one! - that he sings are painful. PAINFUL. Pierce Brosnan should not sing. Period.

The choreography of the film leaves something to be desired, in that is is nearly non-existent. I imagine the choreographer telling Meryl Streep, "You've seen musicals before, right? Well, you know how people move in those? Just, um, do that. Go!" The result was a lot of people flopping around on their backs, accompanied by random hand movements. There is no actual dancing to be found in the film, save for during the bachelor party scene, in which a large group of scantily-clad young men jump and strut around in swimming gear, including snorkels and flippers. As a result of this scene, I have decided that, at my bachelor party, I will make everyone wear flippers on their feet. And we'll all dance around on a pier. It'll be great.

The film isn't without its redeeming qualities. The "What the Hell?!?" factor is fairly all-encompassing, from the flipper-wearing bachelors to the tying-up of two of Sophie's potential fathers by all of her friends at her bachelorette party. Oh, and then there was the part during the bachelorette party where all of the bachelors swung in on ropes and were wearing scary masks. That was the point at which I more or less threw my hands up into the air and decided that, not only did things not make any sense anymore, but nothing ever would. Once I stopped trying to make sense of things, the movie was actually enjoyable. At least until Pierce Brosnan sang again. Then it stopped being fun.

Seriously, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but the film adaptation of Mamma Mia! ended up being most definitely a not good idea. I would recommend staying home and hitting yourself on the head with a rubber mallet instead. That's at least cheaper. And probably more fun.

Tonight I'm seeing the 25th anniversary re-release of the 1983 classic WarGames, starring Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy. I cannot tell you how excited I am to see this one on a big screen. It'll surely be more enjoyable than the train wreck that was Mamma Mia!.

I'm back!

Hello, cruel world! Joe has returned!

I've been thinking, and the thought that I have come to that I think I am going to think on a regular basis is this: there is absolutely no reason why I should not be writing on this blog on a daily basis. It's been over a year since I posted anything, and that's ridiculous. Google has afforded me this real estate, this small half-acre of the internet, on which to write anything I want, and I am squandering that luxury.

I'm back. Consider yourself served.

More to come.

Mickey Mouse hates America.

He does. It's been proven. See for yourself.

The greatest thing I've read in quite a while.

First post in a while, but it's a good'n.

So yesterday, for those that live under a rock, Captain America was killed in the pages of his own comic. Anyone that reads comics knows that no death is ever a sure thing, and I wouldn't be surprised if, within the year, Cap is back and better than ever. But for the mainstream media, Captain America's death is as much a shock as Superman's death was back in 1992 (Kal-El got better, of course). One such member of the media, a writer for www.theconservativevoice.com, sees Cap's death as just another step in the gradual decline of American society.

I'd like to make something clear. I would never have read anything from The Conservative Voice otherwise, had it not been about Cap's death. You have to know going in that it's going to be hysterical. It's The Conservative Voice, for God's sake. But nothing can prepare you for what John Michael McCrae has to say:

Growing up in Southern New Jersey one of my favorite pastimes was reading Marvel Comics. Spiderman was the best but I read them all. The Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Sub Mariner, Dr. Strange, The Avengers, Iron Man, The X-Men and, of course, Captain America were the stuff of fantasy and pleasure. I dare to admit that my love of reading was born in the pages of Marvel Comics.

Now I read where Captain America has been killed by a “sniper’s bullet”.

My first thought was “How appropriate!” In a nation that has been hijacked by liberalism and is being slowly destroyed by democrat-ick socialism, it is probably importantly symbolic that with the destruction of the Christian Bible and the traditional holidays recognizing the blessings of God; with the elimination of a Constitution that requires strict interpretation and constructionist action to actually work the way the Founders intended; with the spreading of the liberal religions of Darwinism and Global Warming-ism and with the spreading of immorality through the acceptance of atheism and the homosexual agenda, that Captain America be struck down from a hidden threat on the steps of a court house.

It just gets worse from there.

...

He actually uses the phrase "Global Warming-ism"!!! That was the point at which I started to cry with laughter. I also love that he, like so many people, Republican and Democrat alike, purports to have any idea of what "the Founders intended," as if he has spoken to them personally and plays Bridge with them every Sunday.

Dude, it's a comic book, not the end of America as you think you know it.

Massachusetts School Bans Tag

An elementary school in Massachusetts has banned the playing of Tag, Touch Football, and "any other unsupervised chase game" for students at recess. The ban is a victory for panophobics everywhere.

In a related story, a Kettering, OH school has banned students from ever leaving their desks, in order to keep them safer.

Changing classrooms and using the bathroom are "accidents waiting to happen," said one local school official who wished to remain anonymous. "There's entirely too much walking aroung going on. Someone's just asking to trip and fall and hurt themself and hold the school liable, and we don't want that to happen," the official added.

Speaking on behalf of her son, one student's mother said, "Little Jimmy loves not being able to leave his desk. He definitely feels safer now that he doesn't have to worry about accidentally hurting himself." Little Jimmy could not be reached for comment.

The same school district recently instituted an "All Safety Scissors for All Ages" program for grades K-12. A PTO meeting will be held later this week to determine whether or not pencil sharpeners are detrimental to students' safety.

POWERS Online and STUDIO 60 News

POWERS is a series from ICON Comics by Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Avon Oeming. The lead characters, Christian Walker and Deena Pilgrim, are homicide detectives specializing in "powers-related" cases - cases involving people with superpowers. It's one of my favorite series, and I've been trying to get people to read it for years.

And now those people have no excuse. They can read it daily for free. The first page was posted yesterday, so read that one before you read the second one (obviously).

I cite Brian Bendis as one of my favorite writers and biggest influences. His dialogue is second to none in comics, in the vein of playwright/screenwriters Aaron Sorkin and David Mamet.

Speaking of Sorkin, his new series, STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP, premieres on NBC on Monday, September 18th, at 10 PM. It stars, among others, Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford, and Amanda Peet (I ask you, where is Joshua Malina? I'm still waiting to hear who he'll be playing, but you know it's coming...). Also, if you want to read the pilot, don't bother asking me, because I don't have a copy and I would never e-mail it to you even if I did. It's not fantastic, and doesn't have everything you like about Aaron Sorkin. Wink. Wink. Wink.

Go read comics now.

Movie Musings

After long and careful consideration, I have determined that I am unable to write any sort of review for SUPERMAN RETURNS, at least not in the same way that I analyzed X-MEN: THE LAST STAND. I cannot maintain any sort of objectivity regarding SUPERMAN RETURNS; I just love it too damn much. I know there are things in the film that are problematic (tell me again why Lois decides to take her kid with her onto the mysterious yacht?), but I can't get over the way it made me feel. I grew up with the original SUPERMAN movies. One of my earliest memories is of watching SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE with my dad on HBO on a Sunday morning. An equally early memory is of watching SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE at my uncle's house. I can't remember much about my pre-7-year-old years, but I distinctly remember Superman being a part of them. So when the opening credits for SUPERMAN RETURNS rolled. And they were exactly the same style as the opening credits for the original two films. And the John Wiliams Superman theme began to play. I was weak. I was ten years old again. It was the most religious experience I have ever had.

So yeah, that's why I can't write any sort of objective review of SUPERMAN RETURNS.

That said, I saw PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST today, and I would LOVE to rip that film to pieces before your very eyes.

If you're planning to see the film and haven't done so yet, or you just don't like to have stuff ruined for you, you should look away. HERE THERE BE SPOILERS! And detailed ones, at that, revealing plot points and the ending of the film. So, yeah, run along now. Go read that thing I wrote a few years ago about dog poop. That was a good one.

Ready?

What I'm going to do now is tell you every way in which PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST is similar to THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Some of the parallels may seem like a stretch. But, really, they're not. Just go with it. The format for these comparisons will be: "[element of DEAD MAN'S CHEST] = [element of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK]. Brief explanation, if necessary." You with me? Let's go.

Will Turner = Luke Skywalker.
Elizabeth Swann = Princess Leia.
Jack Sparrow = Han Solo.

Once you've got those three, the rest of it is cake.

Developing love triangle between Will, Elizabeth, and Jack = developing love triangle between Luke, Leia, and Han. Only the third film will tell if Will and Elizabeth are really brother and sister.
Davy Jones = Jabba the Hutt. 'But Jabba doesn't appear in EMPIRE!' you say. His presence is felt in the form of bounty hunters that are after Han, just as Davy Jones is after Jack to repay an old debt.
The Kraken = Boba Fett. Boba Fett was an ever-present threat in EMPIRE, same as The Kraken is in DEAD MAN'S CHEST. EMPIRE ends with Boba Fett, in the service of Jabba the Hutt, in possession of Han Solo. DEAD MAN'S CHEST ends with The Kraken, in the service of Davy Jones, having eaten Jack Sparrow.
'Bootstrap' Bill Turner = Yoda/Obi-Wan Kenobi. Think about it. I suppose he's more Obi-Wan than Yoda, given the whole 'ghost' connection, but who does Will learn how to be a pirate from/who does Luke learn how to be a Jedi from? I'm not saying that pirates = Jedi; the parallel is in learning to fulfill your destiny, that which is in your blood. For Luke, it's being a Jedi. For Will, it's being a pirate.
"I would give anything to bring back Jack Sparrow!" = "When we find Han and that bounty hunter..." They end almost exactly the same way, with the remaining principle characters getting ready to go save their lost buddy. There's a twist at the end of PIRATES, though, that would be like Grand Moff Tarkin appearing on the Rebel's Medical Frigate and agreeing to help Luke and Leia save Han. More on this later.

Unfortunately, I cannot end it with "PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST = THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK," because whereas EMPIRE is a classic, an amazing story that builds upon and expands the universe created in the first film, DEAD MAN'S CHEST is mostly just a rehash of the first film with a couple new elements added in. Also, there's no Lando Calrissian in DEAD MAN'S CHEST, so it is, sadly, sorely lacking.

There's a lot more to DEAD MAN'S CHEST than just what I've mentioned above, but the rest of it is pretty pointless. No joke. I'm not just saying that because it doesn't fit into the EMPIRE comparison. I'm saying that because it does nothing to advance the actual story of the film, which doesn't really present itself until about halfway in. There is a sequence with a tribe of aborigines that Jack has somehow become the leader of, and the whole thing is just bad, and completely irrelevent in the grand scheme of the film. It's a long movie made longer by wasted, wasteful scenes. A subplot with Will and his father aboard the Flying Dutchman is thrown in and underdeveloped. The love triangle aspect is, put bluntly, ridiculous and horribly forced. The comic relief characters from the first film are back for no reason at all but to be comic relief in the second film. And sadly, the comparison between Jack and Han doesn't ring completely true. At least Han was likeable in EMPIRE, whereas Jack is just a dick and almost wholly unlikeable in DEAD MAN'S CHEST. It's not enough to think the guy's mannerisms are funny (and kudos to Johnny Depp for an amazing performance. I don't blame you for hating Jack, I blame the four people it took to write the script [Anyone else familiar with the phrase 'too many cooks in the kitchen'? Something to think about...]); if he's unlikeable, he's worthless.

I'm not saying DEAD MAN'S CHEST wasn't enjoyable; I'm just saying it was kind of boring at some points and fairly predictable at others. There are a few standout good points to the film, though, mostly having to do with the special effects. Davy Jones looked amazing, with tentacle hair that was alive and moving at all times. Equally as amazing was The Kraken. Aside from maybe one or two instances (and I'm talking split-second cuts here), the CG on The Kraken was seamless. I really believed that both The Kraken and Davy Jones (who, yeah, I know there was an actor in there, too, but the majority of him was CG) were, as my friend Steve put it, 'inhabiting space in the film'. In other words, it looked real and not digital, and that was fantastic. The appearance of the undead monkey from the first film was just stupid and totally random; the appearance of the undead monkey's master, Barbossa, at the end of the film was also totally random, but foreshadowed subtly and incredibly brilliant. Barbossa was a likeable bad guy in the first film, and he will bring a charm to the third film that was seriously lacking in this second one. Let's just hope they don't spend half the film trying to explain how he came back from the dead (of course, of his undead monkey is undead again, perhaps Barbossa is again as well? Who knows).

If you liked the first PIRATES movie, you'll probably enjoy this one, though not as much. It's full of forced references to the first film that are amusing on the level of sitting in the crowd and saying to yourself, 'Hey, I get that! I'm smart!' It has a darker feel to it (just as EMPIRE did compared to STAR WARS), though, and I thought it lacked a lot of the fun that was present in the first film. If you're on the fence about seeing it in a theater, watch EMPIRE STRIKES BACK instead and wait for PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST to show up at a cheap theater. I hesitate to say wait to rent it, if only because the Kraken looks so damn cool on a big screen.

Still, there's no Billy Dee Williams in it, so how good could it really be?